Pete Hegseth proposes renaming Department of War to “You ain’t about that life”

Washington, D.C.—Following a press conference in which he told our enemies that if they fucked around they would definitely find out, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth formally asked Congress to consider renaming the Department of War. Just a few months ago, the Department of Defense was renamed with its original title—Department of War.

“While I love the change of tone that ‘Department of War’ offers, I really think ‘You ain’t about that life’ is an even better fit,” said Secretary Hegseth. “And it works in many ways, for example the fatties that we have, especially in the upper ranks, aren’t about being fit in a job where that is a high priority.”

The earlier press conference laid out that Secretary Hegseth expects PT testing twice a year, even for the joint chiefs. He also vowed to get rid of the wokeness and DEI that has infected the military.

“Mark Milley should be glad that he retired in 2023. The only thing I ever saw that man lift is doughnuts and the only time I ever saw him run was when he had too much Taco Bell. We used to call him dishonorable discharge,” Secretary Hegseth continued.

The proposed name change was met with some resistance from Senate Democrats who worried that they might be subject to similar requirements if Trump gets his way. With their median age hovering around 96, they are the oldest demographic in both houses.

“We’re not supposed to project power, we’re supposed to be protecting the marginalized,” suggested Senator Chuck Schumer. “What does physical health have anything to do with the military?”

But they received some pushback from an unlikely source, Senator John Fetterman, who suffered brain damage from a stroke. Despite that, his thinking has seemed to be quite rational as of late. He was the only Democrat to denounce the tragic assassination of Charlie Kirk.

“I honestly don’t see what the big deal is. Our military should be as strong as they can be. ‘Be all that you can be’ used to be the slogan. We could all be healthier,” said Senator Fetterman before CNN cut his feed.

Senator Fetterman keeps reiterating that he’s not switching parties, but he hasn’t realized that the left will just abandon him instead.

With their dwindling power and looming government shutdown, the Democrats are unlikely to be able to stop this renaming and soon we may see Hegseth as the first Secretary of You Ain’t About that Life.

Brosé Sanchez

America First voice from Florida. Shares bold takes on culture, hypocrisy & history. Pronouns are: I, you, he/she, we, you, they. You should've learned that in grade school.

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