Chicago Hits New Record: 17 Hours Without a Murder

Chicago, IL—New data has emerged regarding the violence in Chicago. For the first time in four decades, homicides have decreased in Chicago. In recent years, a homicide has been committed every 16 hours on average. Back in April, the data shows that average increased to 17 hours over one particular week.

“During that week, you could just feel how much safer it was to stroll through the city without fear,” Police Superintendent Nate Pulaski told a full room of reporters this afternoon. “We were shocked when we analyzed the data.”

What changed to unite a city at war for a single week back in early April?

It turns out, the Bears front office is responsible. In a shocking move that united Chicagoans citywide, Bears management announced they’d traded their star quarterback to Tampa Bay in exchange for a bag of Portillo’s beef sandwiches and exactly one week of 72-degree weather. Even South Siders agreed it was the best deal the team has made in decades.

After the deal was finalized, Marcus Wabash recalls that he went outside to grill with his family for the first time in months.

“Cal Ogden was a hometown favorite, but I got to throw down some dogs on the grill in April. I hope Cal enjoys the weather and has a great season. He probably would’ve been shot here anyway,” said Wabash.

His response to the new record?

“I guess people just forgot about their problems when their day didn’t start with snow and end with a sunburn.”

No matter where you go in the city, a resounding refrain is heard—for once, the Bears front office got something right.

Brosé Sanchez

America First voice from Florida. Shares bold takes on culture, hypocrisy & history. Pronouns are: I, you, he/she, we, you, they. You should've learned that in grade school.

• Read more by Brosé Sanchez
• @joe_clay
• Florida