Subway Hires ‘Footlong Felon’ Hoping People will Finally Forget About Jared

CULTURE • Aug 14, 2025 • DailyDefamer.com Copied!
A man holding a sandwich talking to police in front of a Subway

Washington, D.C.—A Washington, D.C. man is in custody tonight after allegedly assaulting a Customs and Border Protection (CBP) agent with a Subway sandwich.

Sean Charles Dunn, 37, could be seen in a viral video hurling the sub, which struck the CBP agent solidly in the chest.

“The force of impact from that sandwich was honestly somewhat impressive,” said Mitchell McCormick, who witnessed the odd display. “This dude just walked up to a group of cops strutting like a peacock. Then he started yelling in their faces. I remember him saying something dumb like, ‘We want ice in our drinks not ICE in the streets’ or something stupid like that. I thought it was pretty corny, but then he whipped that sub, and I was surprised by the thud. I felt it from about 15 feet away. The dude had a decent arm but he ran like a child.”

“I heard him mumble something about fascists right before he chose violence, which was kind of weird,” another bystander said.

Simple assault on a federal agent normally carries a maximum sentence of up to a year in federal prison, however, Subway subs are not made of bread, so in this case federal prosecutors are seeking to charge Dunn with assault with a deadly weapon, which carries a maximum sentence of up to 20 years.

In an odd twist, Subway actually asked Dunn to be their new spokesperson after the incident. For years, they’ve tried to put the stigma from Jared Fogle behind them but they’ve been reticent to select a new spokesperson for obvious reasons. This presented the perfect opportunity to put Jared behind them once and for all.

A Subway executive, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, “Look, we can’t be choosers. But how lucky can you get!? Have you seen the video? No one is going to remember Jared after they see what Dunn did!”

A broken sub sandwich sits on the ground in Washington, D.C.

Online, a massive group of people have lamented the loss of the sandwich and there are reports of a shrine to it being constructed at the scene. A gofundme has been set up so that proper arrangements can be made.

Brosé Sanchez

America First voice from Florida. Shares bold takes on culture, hypocrisy & history. Pronouns are: I, you, he/she, we, you, they. You should've learned that in grade school.

Trending Articles